Love Prices: Must Love Possum Pie
by dionysianDaydream
Summary: The second story in the Love Prices series, which shows the great depths people will sink to in the name of love. Dipper trades some beef jerky for a love potion and things only get weirder from there... (Written in screenplay format.)
1. Episode 1, ACT1

Dipper is in a forest wading through the freshly fallen Autumn leaves with a scoped twelve inches of murder poised in front of him. Through the wide gaps in the trees is the ephemeral blanket of thin, gray mist that parts around him like water. He was sure he spotted a buck earlier and, like any boy his age, his perception of manliness relied upon on whether he could track it down and land a bullet between its ears. With his eyes peeled for the prize he trips on a concealed stone, but thankfully the bed of leaves cushion his fall. He starts to get back up but freezes midway, having spotted the elusive beast resting in a clearing just a few feet away.

"Looks like your luck's finally ran out, deer," he says under his breath.

Right when he has the beast within his sights and hones in on the back of its head, he is interrupted by the broad side of a passing doe. Through the scope he watches the two animals lick each others faces in greeting and scowls - he would not dare risk killing a doe - as he sets down his rifle and squirms to get into a comfortable spot concealed by a tree trunk and scraggly bush. From there his eyes wander to a bird as it perches on a deformed branch overhead. It chirps noisily and Dipper can feel his heart pumping out of fear that it would give away his position.

He looks to the deer again nervously, but breathes a sigh of relief when he realizes that they are much too occupied with their current activity to have heard.

"Woah. Are they really..."

He watches as the buck mounts itself atop the pointed up rear end of the doe and, curious boy that he is, continues to watch in awe as they enter into the intimate act of deer sex.

"Dipper! You nabbed your imaginary buck yet?" A gravelly man's voice calls from a distance, and the doe and buck halt at the sound.

Their moment ruined, they come apart and bound away nimbly until they are out of Dipper's sight.

He stands up and pulls at his hair; groaning in frustration.

Dipper glares angrily at GRUNKLE STAN, early 60s, with a five'o'clock shadow and a head of gray hair, when he approaches from behind. He, unlike Dipper, has evidently had a successful hunt thus far with two raccoons slung over his right shoulder and a possum over his left.

GRUNCLE STAN

Still no luck? Well for crying out loud it couldn't have gone too far. Unless, of course (he leans in to whisper into his ear) it doesn't exist.

CUT TO:

INT. MABEL'S BEDROOM - EVENING

MABEL, 12 y/o with braces and wavy brown hair, is laying with her chest flat on the bed coloring the poorly drawn image of a smiling cartoon raccoon while loud Pop music is blaring through her headphones. She kicks her feet against the pillows to the beat as she sings along. Poorly.

GRUNKLE STAN (O.S)

Hey Mabel, come downstairs. I've got a surprise for you!

MABEL

A surprise? I bet it's something adorable like a baby raccoon!

INT. THE MYSTERY SHACK SHOP FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

Grunkle Stan slams the entirety of his yield that day down unto the dining table: three raccoons, three rabbits, one baby possum and a skunk. He looks at the emptyhanded Dipper proudly as fresh blood pools around the heap of dead woodland creatures.

DIPPER

Oh yeah, I'm _really_ hungry now.

GRUNKLE STAN

Slow down sport, we've still gotta skin 'um, pull their guts out and cook 'um first.

Mabel dashes down the stairs but her expression immediately sinks when she spots the pile of dead animals on the table.

GRUNKLE STAN

You know how you're always prattling on about rabbits and Hot Pockets and...teen boy bands? Well, I brought you _three_ rabbits.

MABEL

This isn't exactly what I had in mind for a surprise. Also, it doesn't count if they're dead.

GRUNKLE STAN

Didn't I tell you Dipper and I were going hunting today?

MABEL

(with a shrug)

I just assumed you meant hunting for attention like you usually do on a Friday.

GRUNKLE STAN

(with the possum in his hand)

I'm just gonna let that one slide for now because I need to get started in the kitchen. I haven't touched possum meat in years so this ought to be interesting.

Grunkle Stan wanders off, leaving the two siblings alone with the stuffed bear sculptures, paintings of UFOs, magical 'tomes' and a myriad of other curious but ultimately worthless commodities that Stan sold at ridiculously high prices for a living.

SOOS, early 20s, big and burly wearing a plain brown baseball cap and green t-shirt with a giant black question mark on it enters from the back door, chewing noisily on a bite from the chocolate bar in his hand. He looks at the pile of dead animals, their blood at this point oozing over the edges of the table.

SOOS

Dude, I swear that wasn't there when I went to the vending machine.

DIPPER

(boasting)

_I_ went hunting with Grunkle Stan today.

SOOS

Oh, cool dude. (He takes another bite of his chocolate bar.) So, did ya find anything?

Before Dipper can break it down for Soos, the sound of ringing bells that heralds the opening of the front door captures his attention. WENDY,15, tall and skinny with orange hair, wearing a trucker hat and green denim jacket, enters.

WENDY

Whewie! What threw up and died in here?

DIPPER

_That_ is the smell of manhood. I killed small animals with a gun today!

He proudly directs her to the dining table.

WENDY

The old man finally took you hunting with him, huh? Sweet. So, which ones did _you_ off?

DIPPER

Which ones did _I_ off? Oh, just the raccoons. And the bunnies. Oh, and that skunk too, but he had it coming.

Mabel giggles into her sweater sleeve while Soos struggles to hold back his own laughter.

DIPPER

What?

MABEL

You said bunnies.

SOOS

I was just thinking the same thing.

Wendy pats Dipper on the back.

WENDY

Not bad for a first timer. I'm impressed. But you're not a real hunter until you try it without using a scope, sport.

DIPPER

It seems to me...you're a gal who knows her way with a rifle?

Soos snickers. Everyone looks at him in awkward silence for a moment before going on.

WENDY

Sure do. My dad brought me on my first trip when I was, like, six. Hey, why don't we hit the trail tomorrow?

DIPPER

Sounds awesome!

WENDY

Then let's go super early in the morning when the beavers come out. (Her eyes narrows darkly.) I still have a score to settle.

Her eyes then return to normal.

WENDY

I'll bring beef jerky. It'll be a blast.

Mabel shoves Dipper out of the way, beaming and flailing her arms wildly.

MABEL

There's room for one more _wild_ and crazy chick, right?

WENDY

I didn't know you were into this kind of stuff.

DIPPER

(annoyed)

Trust me, she isn't.

Dipper takes Mabel aside.

DIPPER

What do you think you're doing?

MABEL

I'm gonna make sure _you_ don't kill any more cute baby animals.

DIPPER

Oh yeah? Well, how do you plan on doing that?

MABEL

I have my ways.


	2. Episode 1, ACT2

EXT. THE RIVER - NEXT MORNING

Dipper is aiming at a beaver standing boldly atop its dam-in-progress along a rushing river. He places a finger on the trigger and is about to fire when Mabel suddenly jumps in front of him.

MABEL

(off pitch)

Laaalalalaaalalalaalalalaaalalalalala!

DIPPER

Cut it out, Mabel! I came this close to shooting you again, for like, the fifth time this morning.

MABEL

When I feel my point is sufficiently made I will cease all, uhh...

DIPPER

Self-endangering acts of sabotage?

MABEL

That works!

DIPPER

Then why aren't you bugging Wendy too?

Dipper glances at the rowdy redhead situated a little further upriver. He watches with admiration as she locks unto her target and shoots.

WENDY

Booyah! I nailed that little wood chucking sucker.

DIPPER

Seriously. It's like she has some sort of grudge against them. I'm not even sure if I should ask about it, but...

From out of a pocket on his jacket he pulls out a half-eaten strip of MacGuffin brand beef jerky and takes a bite.

DIPPER

You know what? This expired two weeks ago and I don't even care. I feel manlier just being out here.

Mabel crosses her arms and makes a noise as if clearing her throat.

DIPPER

Oh, right. You were saying?

MABEL

I'm only bugging you because I can't have a brother guilty of killing harmless, adorable animals.

DIPPER

Then what about yesterday?

MABEL

Grunkle Stan told me the truth, Dipper. (She grabs him by the shoulders and pulls his face close up against hers.) It's still not too late for me to save you.

DIPPER

(smiling awkwardly)

This totally isn't me changing the subject because you're starting to creep me out, but is that music?

It sounds like a marching band is playing somewhere nearby.

MABEL

Three bucks says it's something quirky and unexpected.

DIPPER

My money's on a hippy nudist colony.

As they leave, Wendy snipes another beaver.

WENDY

Bullseye!

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST CLEARING - CONTINUOUS

The dull sound of pounding drums and terrible out of key flute-playing precedes a procession of what look like fairies complete with butterfly wings, little frilly dresses made of all natural materials and incredibly creepy pale green bug's eyes slowly emerging from the dense brush and piles of shedded pine needles. They are equipped with twiggy wooden flutes and lugging around marching drums much larger than they are, made of hide. Between two rows of about six of them each, there is a pint-sized wheeled carriage made of hastily put together tree bark and errant, poking branches being drawn by a pair of blindfolded squirrels.

Watching from behind a large boulder off the path, Dipper hands Mabel three dollar bills.

MABEL

Should we try talking to them, or...?

DIPPER

No. We can just go back to the river right now and pretend we never saw anything.

He smiles at her sheepishly.

MABEL

You're not getting your money back.

DIPPER

No, I'm serious...

The siblings are about to leave when a pained cry stops them in their tracks.

One of the fairies had fallen to the ground unconscious and the others are gathered around her, chattering frantically amongst themselves with stereotypical Yiddish accents.

DIPPER

It's still not too late to turn our backs on this. This is _one _wild adventure that can be avoided.

FAIRY #1

Yet another one of our cousins has fallen to starvation...times are harsh indeed.

Dipper tugs on Mabel's sleeve to get her to move, but she won't budge.

DIPPER

Whatever is about to happen can be easily avoided if we leave, right now.

MABEL

I dunno...the more I look at them, the more I wanna just squeeze them into a remote control car and go around causing all kinds of hijinx.

He grabs her by the shoulders and turns her so that they look directly into each other's eyes.

DIPPER

Mabel. As fun as that sounds, you and I both know it's never gonna happen.

MABEL

(downcast)

I know.

FAIRY #2

It is settled! We must feed on our fallen sister's remains if we are sustain ourselves through the long journey still ahead!

DIPPER AND MABEL

(stumbling out into the open)

No!

The fairies stare at them in shock. One of them is already gnawing on the fallen girl's arm when THE LEADER FAIRY steps out of the carriage.

LEADER FAIRY

Hark, humans in our midst!

ALL FAIRIES

*hiss*

DIPPER

Oh please, don't eat us!

LEADER FAIRY

Eat a human? What kind of schmuck do I look like to you?

FAIRY # 2

It just isn't kosher.

The fairy with a mouthful of its own species can be seen in the background shaking its head rapidly, like a dog trying to tear through a T-bone steak.

MABEL

Would any of you happen to know what a remote control car is-

DIPPER

(interrupting her)

Haha, so I heard you ladies have fallen on some hard times? What's the deal?

FAIRY #1

There is no deal, human! We come from afar on a holy mission to find our sacred homeland. However, nowadays picnickers are scarce, so with our main food source gone, we -

Barely listening, Dipper pulls an unopened strip of beef jerky from his pocket and flashes it at Fairy #1, who gasps.

FAIRY #1

Could it be...the MacGuffin?

DIPPER

Sure, you can call it that. So uhh, enjoy.

He casually hands it over to The Leader Fairy, but she holds it above her head like a sacred object while the others gape in disbelief.

FAIRY #2

The Gods have answered our prayers! We have acquired the legendary MacGuffin!

Dipper and Mabel exchange confused glances.


End file.
